the Bali files, episode 1: locked in the trunk of a 5star

greetings all, it is I, your long forgotten virtual friend.
my apologies, the cpu didn't actually make the journey with me to Bali, and thus, the update has been sitting with me for some days now.
Bali was superb, thanks for asking.
we had a great time there, albeit a very quick 3 day/4 night stay.
i will try to keep it brief, no need for one of those long, mass/spam emails where i provide you with every little detail, down to the hour of what we got up to. a daily recant ought to do i reckon.

Friday -
good Friday......, try great Friday, as we set off on our trip to Indonesia, flying via Singapore with, ironically enough, Singapore Airlines (a good overall airline experience). total of 7ish hours of travel time, numbed a little by the Fighter (the movie) and Street Fighter (the game). also had one of those 'world is a small place' moments upon chatting with a guy in the arrival customs line to discover that he not only grew up in my hometown of Oakville, but actually went to same high school as i did, 15 years my WOSS senior. isn't that something.

Saturday -
our first chance to see the resort in daylight, and it didn't disappoint. dare i say, the St. Regis is perhaps the nicest place we've stayed at. more than enough room in our chambre, complete with tasteful decor and nice touches including a full soaker tub along with a persistently filled plate of fruit. oh, and they also had a breakfast that just wouldn't quit. since our plan was more euro than all-in, we certainly made the most of this each and every morning. a quick rundown - smoothies, fresh juices, eggs benny, french toast croissants....money. bring on the beach.

Sunday -
lazy beach day, which was more or less the theme of our holiday. the Regis has a very nice little set-up, with padded loungers & cabanas. weather was hot, which required an hourly dip on average. if there was one complaint, it would be that the ocean wasn't fit for swimming. a ton of garbage was constantly washing in, making it an easy decision to opt for the pool. ok, let's say there were 2 complaints. the other being that the resort was extremely overpriced for pretty much everything. drinks for $20, meals for $50....ricoculous.

Monday -
more of the same really. explored the fairly intricate lazy river system that flows throughout the grounds, and made plans to leave the resort that evening for another adjacent beach town, the highlights of such included:
*one of us getting locked in the suite's bathroom, requiring housekeeping to essentially break the door down.
*embarking on a 10km taxi drive to dinner, hitting a traffic jam, resulting in a 1.5 hour ride.
*enjoying the driving habits of the Balinese people, who turned 2 narrow lanes into 5 very messy streams of scooters, cars, and buses.

sadly, our trip was over as of mid-morning on Tuesday.
all things considered, definitely a great beach destination & top-notch accommodation. it does beg the question though of where it may fit into the Freedom's top-10 beach vacations of all-time...?
and so, here it is, the *unofficial list* (not verified with Aline):

1. Zanzibar (Tanzania) - powder white sand and literally isolated from the rest of the World
2. Ko Phan Ngan (Thailand) - hut on the beach type of set-up, where you can roll out of bed into the Gulf.
3. Naxos (Greece) - unlike some of the other popular Greek islands, this place features amazingly desolate & clothing-optional beaches reached via scooter. add a Mythos & Gyros to taste.
4. Cancun (Mexico) - say what you will about this underaged drinking, booty-shaking habitat...it still has one of the nicest stretches of beach you'll find. and did i mention the booty-shaking?
5. Maui (Hawaii) - who doesn't dream of checking out this un-continental piece of the US pie. extra points for anyone who can sneak their way onto a better hotel's beach, i.e. the Four Seasons.
6. Bali (Indonesia) - this one is fresh in the mind, and so I need to refer to it fondly. no question a great beach, however, this one makes the list based on the resort.
7. Sardinia (Italy) - this is a very random destination, that we ended up at based on an apartment swap. we blew up an oven and crashed a car....and thus i can't really remember if the beach was nice....i think it was.
8. White House (Jamaica) - add a dash of Sandals with a little Team Morgan and you get a family vacation to remember. i even have the t-shirt to prove it.
9. Ha Long Bay (Vietnam) - hundreds of little mountain tips popping out from the ocean, offering many a secluded beach. i may or may not have stripped down on one of these seclusions.
10. Tofino (BC) - no way i can leave Canada off this list. pain in the butt to get to, but one of the great white north's natural strips of beauty. bring a wetsuit.

full trip pics are here.

horse track suits

last night, i was finally able to cross-off another one of the must-see places in Hong Kong - the Happy Valley Racetrack. a cool venue that dates back to 1850ish, it makes a lot of the HK tourist lists of things you ought to check out while in the city. it just so happens that we look down on the track from our building, so it was really an overdue visit. good times had by all, as we were also celebrating l'anniversaire du Monsieur Laurent. a buffet dinner paired with bottomless glasses of San Miguel and we were off. of course, a trip to the ponies isn't complete without a few bets. thank god i'm lucky in love, because i could very well be the World's worst gambler, going 0 for 6 on my studs throughout the course of the evening. to add insult to injury, i actually cheered on the #2 horse from start to end in the 6th race, celebrating his 'place' finish, only to later realize that i'd actually wagered on the #3 horse (who it just so happens finished last).
loser, loser, fill the booze, sir

as with many a social gathering, there were a few Freedom Chasers in the mix, intrigued as to what i would/wouldn't do for the sake of the blog. the conversation then took an odd diversion to the topic of personal grooming, and whether or not i had the minerals to go for a wax....specifically the minerals & crackerjack. perhaps it was the San Miguel talking, however, my greatest concern wasn't so much the pain or the emasculation factor, but more the question of "how much is this gonna cost me?" we all had a good laugh (at my expense) and closed out the evening with some x's & o's.

i'm guessing the idea must have stuck in my sub conscience, as i can vividly remember dreaming (nightmaring) about taking the plunge into the subculture of men's spa treatments. i kid you not, i can still recall the surge of virtual pain i felt as the epilation tore through my entire soul. i woke up with a startle and a very subtle pat-down just to be sure it had not already transpired. over my morning granola & yogurt (bikini-ready breakfast of champions), i must admit i started to have second thoughts about actually going through with this. not so much for myself, but all of you out there. i'm not sure if it's the type of content that you're craving from this bi-weekly raghag. or maybe some of you have a deep down interest in seeing me take on a little pain...? what say you, people, care to make me your own personal voodoo doll? the decision is all yours.

for today, at least, i traded in the fear factor for an eggs benny with the HSBC wives club. yes, i realize i'm playing for both teams - golf with the guys one week, brunch with the gals the next. just think of me as your #1 option for a rent-a-friend; the go-to when you got-none. this may even turn into a business of sorts....what do you think of Pardy's Platonic Escort services?

with that said, happy Easter everyone!
Aline & yours truly are off to Bali for a few days. as with all my misadventures, if the hotel has internet, there will be a live blogcast from the sand with absolutely zero shots of my toes dangling off a lounger...that is a promise.

casting call, take 3

i love receiving fan mail. it doesn't come that often (hint), though is much appreciated when it does. allow me to share a recent piece right off the top.

how's HK? been reading your blog a bit, wish I did more, but i'm not going to lie, i don't.

hey that's fair, i'm not putting a literary gun to anyone's head. a reader is a reader, and i love you all, no matter how frequent you hit the Freedom button.
(thanks for the shout-out, AS)

so, it's 4ish on Tuesday and i'm waiting for the phone to ring.
1. check the ringer volume
2. ensure it's not on vibrate
ok.
still nothing.
the reason for my phoneiness?
i went to another casting yesterday and assumed i was a shoe-in for the gig.
the client - Hong Kong Airport Authority.
what does that exactly mean? i believe they handle security matters for travellers.
the job - a print ad.
the ask - they are looking for an average business man who can wheel a bag through the airport.
uh, hello? i am only just slightly perfect for this. you may remember me from such epic bag castings as Samsonite....
and of course, i just reek of a bizness man.
they took the requisite shots of the front, back, pulling a case, pulling a cast + shaking an imaginary hand. oh, and they wanted BIG smiles, my favourite.

it's now getting closer to 4:30, and still no call.
funny, figured this was mine to lose, especially given they needed someone to start tomorrow. maybe i should have further stressed the openness of my calendar.
still, no matter what happens, i won't get discouraged.
no, i won't stop, 'cause i can't stop. hell, i'm going to break-out Aline's suitcase and practice walking & air-handshaking everyday til i nail it.

i was also hoping that i could announce the ghost/guest writer today, but i haven't made it through all the applications yet.
to confirm, the content does not need to have anything to do with HK or Freedom.
just think of it as a forum to speak your mind, your digital soap box to an audience of no less than 40 people. how bout that for reach....?
sports, politics, pop culture, fave Rich memory.
the possibilities are endless.
don't make me go all teacher on y'all and make me pick one of you...please.
MC from the A or Lil' Roberto, i'm calling you out....make me proud!

Mr Monkey & the MF's

so, freedomheads, a little quiet out there after the last post. does that mean the poetry didn't go over all that well? is it played out like kwame already? perhaps i'll leave it for a while, and bring it back when i feel it appropriate.

instead, let's mix it up and jump into another teacher post!?
yes, i know, lots of those going around as well...and i'm sorry. it's just hard to pass up such good content. i feel like i'm becoming the 'Tucker Max' of the teaching World - the more i teach, the more audacious the stories i have to share. and it goes a little something like this:

Tuesday morning, god awful early.
i have signed up, by my own free will, to start teaching a new class in a place called Aberdeen (southern part of HK Island). the classes start at 8:20am, which requires me to be out of the house by 7:30am.
i know, boohoo....
anyway, as is the norm for the first lesson of a new class, i meet up with a teaching assistant who then shows me the way to the school. for this specific class, i was to meet the lovely Trina at the bus stop (Trina actually turns out to be a guy - go figure). arriving at the school, i'm informed it's an all-boys school, which anyone outside of the teaching community would perhaps shrug at; me, i know that this means they are going to be a handful without some female injection of maturity. great. also, i have been informed that the students' English is actually quite poor, and to take it very slowly with lots of games...wheee!

first and foremost, i begin with a quick introduction.
"Hello, class. My name is Mr. Morgan", i proclaim, as i scribble the aforementioned on the chalkboard.
oh yeah, remember what I said about the English level in the room?
the name seems to be giving them trouble, for they don't quite nail it off the bat. instead, they decide that what they read doesn't say 'Morgan', but rather 'Monkey'.
i'm now Mr. Monkey.
the kids laugh.
off to a blazing start.

i start doing my thing, with the purpose of the lesson focusing on listening to me tell a story as the kids fill-in the missing words on their papers. i would say about 50% of the 20 kids are actually listening. the other 50% are either sleeping, talking, or talking in their sleep. i start into my patented walk-the-room methodology, and it seems to help drag that other 50% into the lesson temporarily. that is until i spot a couple of kids giggling at the front. one kid is especially proud of something he's done on his paper. i walk over, examine the paper, and it's exactly what you'd expect. the kid (14 or 15 yr old) has provided some anatomical additions to the drawing of a boy on the page....
do i need to spell it out?
ugh..., he's drawn-in ol' John Thomas and his 2 sons. the bits and bites. a trailer and its mudflaps.
a penis. he's drawn a penis.
as a teacher, the normal reaction i suspect should be -

"Timmy, stop drawing penises in class."

that said, i can barely communicate with these guys as it is, so i decide to let it slide and simply keep going with the lesson. not 5 mins go by, and this same kid is at it again. only this time, he trades his phallic art for a fairly severe English curse word.
he blurts out, seemingly unprovoked, "motherf'er".
for real.
a few kids, who obviously understand this but not a word i'm saying, rise up with the classic "ooooh". to be honest, i wasn't sure if he indeed said what i thought he said, but from the reaction, i assume the worst.
"now Timmy, we don't use those sorts of words in English....at least, not in the classroom."
i can't lie to the kid entirely though, as it does get used every now and then in western culture.....but not in this blog, of course.
sufficed to say, i was extremely happy to get out of the school that day before full-on anarchy in the HK broke out.

this new Tuesday class only helps to solidify my Wed crew as the best kids EVER...
it's almost like they want me to adopt them. every session, i continue to receive the same requests for Facebook adds, mobile phone digits, hell, even one kid wants to come to Bali with us! gotta draw the teacher/student relationship somewhere though, right?
i was also asked to help give one of the students a new English name. his current English name just so happens to be 'Dick'. an odd choice, perhaps, as I don't think it has the same relationship to 'Richard' here as it does in the west.
ok, no problem...i can take this challenge on. i throw out a few classics, like 'John' or 'Mike', and it's not really his thing. he wants something unique.
hmm..ok, how about 'Morgan II' or 'Tupac'?
not biting.
apparently i now have homework to anoint this kid with the most kick-ass name in history.

Real-time updates -
I'm currently sitting by the pool typing this up while basking in 29 degree heat.
however, i'm also dealing with pure chaos. absolute, unconditional kid crazy.
crying, fighting, running, splashing, and even more crying madness.
to this, i say, how dare they interrupt me while i write.

also, and certainly not intending to rub it in/out, but i started today off with a round of golf with my boys Anabelle, Monsieur Laurent, and JC from the A.
unlike most typical rounds, this one starts with a ferry ride from HK Island to a quaint little place called Discovery Bay, where residents trade cars for golf carts to get around the entire island.

how'd i shoot?
i birdied #2 out of the sand on the front, and i ate a tuna sandwich on the back...which should tell you how well i played.
super fun though, and look forward to the next episode a month from now.

that's it...
have a great weekend, everyone, and as a sneak preview for next week, we'll be featuring:
*another model casting
*a trip to the racetrack
*the lead-up to Bali
*and auditions for a Freedom 32 ghostblogger appearance....
interested applicants are urged to send a writing sample and their best drawing of yours truly.
the bar has been set below. like looking in a mirror....

Master P Theatre Presents....

a while back, i wrote an off-the-cuff poem about a foot massage parlour.
it was quick & dirty (the poem, not the parlour), yet still received at least one request for an encore.
i won't out the lover of poetry in the ranks, just in case not everyone shared his/her enthusiasm.
but hey, i had fun throwing it together, so it would be my pleasure to create something new.

to start, i need some inspiration.
i can't just sit down and rock out some prose like it ain't no thing.
something magical or majestic needs to take hold of me to spin my lyricist ways.
today, being a slow sunny Monday, i replaced work & adventure with respite by the Bamboo Grove apartments' community pool for a couple of hours. i suppose that'll have to do.
and so, it begins.

Bamboo sunnin',
that hot summer's comin',
this is the way that we play.

sitting cool by the pool,
did i mention teacher hours rule?
too bad i can't say the same about the pay.

shirt's off, we're skins
as the iPod record spins,
but please don't get carried away.

as my body's still burnin'
while the world be turnin',
damn 7-11 & their spray.

let's see...what else can i rhyme...?
oh, here's some more -

babies are floatin',
mothers are doting,
a little girl be trying, but all she do is crying.

sweat building + heat rising,
may need to dip my lower left five in,
to see how the water is today.

"my word that's refreshing!",
i exclaim after testing.
it's official now - daddy's gonna get wet.

make way, everybody,
time for pool to meet pardy,
flip 'em over, i'm about to go all-in.

don't mean to be a miser,
but this includes you, lady in huge-ass pink visor.
sure that hat is so lame, it wouldn't even be funny at a dog poker game.
(to clarify, i'm talking about the classic picture of the dogs playing poker....not being mean about her looks).

a leap & a bound,
i'm off the ground,
plunging through that well-chlorinated blue.

my favourite stroke, you may ask?
it's very simple, don't laugh.
never one to be guile, i prefer my paddle doggy-style.

where's this flowin' about to be goin',
perhaps best to gas, before it gets too crass?
one more rhyme on a dime, then thankfully - quitting time.

and so i close & say sorry,
to those who may think it obscene,
to spend this time rappin' about la piscine.
for i completely agree,
it's even buggin' me,
that's it, this poem is over.

and so too is this post.

On Location - Avenue of the Stars

Freedomites, we are blogcasting LIVE on location on the TST boardwalk, right across the water from HK Island. i decided to mix it up a little today, as it's beautifully hazy, but really, too nice to be in the home office so taking it mobile. the best part? this office has no price tag, aside from the short-ferry ride to get here which costs a staggering $0.25. otherwise, it's freedom seating, freedoom wifi, freedom nation! it's a tad touristy, which makes for good people watching, with their mutterings muffled out by my iPod. got a couple of euro-looking kids next to me, enjoying the rays, as well as a few sunbrellas out. of course.
until now, my go-to out of office location has been one of the many parks around our hood. unfortunately, after yesterday's experience i may not go back.
[real-time interruption - just had an Asian man pose for a picture next to me....apparently i'm on the itinerary.]
where was i. HK may not have lizards, but they have fleas. at least i think they are fleas. without fail, every time i sit out in a park, i return to our abode covered in bites. unlike 'skeeters, when you know you've been bitten, these guys are undercover lovers of my skin. i barely notice the little fruit-fly like bugs, but man, they itch like a sonbitch. the reason i think they're fleas is because i googled it. they seem common to parks and even have their own markets.
and so i scratch.
staying with physical abuse for a second, i was somewhat horrified by another incident at said park yesterday, feelings of guilt that i didn't do anything. tell me what you think -

angry woman (likely a mother)
young nerdy boy (likely 10 & mom's son)
the dialogue was in Chinese, but here's my re-enactment:

Mom - "I told you not to play with those pigeons!"
Son - "I'm sorry, Mom...."
Mom - "Oh, you're going to be sorry..."
The Mom then proceeded to grab the kid by the collar, and i mean her hand was fully in the tie-slot of the shirt, spun him around and borderline dragged the kid about 10 feet. if not bad enough, she then piledrived the kid down to the ground with all her might, leaving the son in the fetal position.
I was shocked, mortified at what i was seeing...waiting for something even worse to happen. fortunately, the mother simply turned and slowly walked across to the other side of the park; son, dusting self off, gets to feet and sheepishly starts to follow at plenty arms length.

so here's the question - what does one do in this situation?
where does the parental jurisdiction start and end, and how does culture play into this? see, i'm the product of spanking, and i think i turned out ok (thanks for going easy, M&D). discipline is a good thing, but this...this was crossing awfully close to MMA. mother & culture aside, i definitely would have stepped in if any boots started up. so, i ask again, what would you do in this situation?
just to make amends, i'm gonna let my kids out early tomorrow from class...pay it forward a little for lil' junior in the park.
[real-time interruption 2, asked to take a picture of 2 young ladies in front of the avenue of stars sign. odd, they didn't want me in it.]

other quick updates that you've been eagerly waiting for -
*iPads still remain unsold. do i wish i had those 5+ hours back in London...? talk to me when/if the eBay auction turns out in my favour.

*really forming a bond with my Wed class now, to the point they want to become FB friends and want my phone number. i haven't given either, so may miss out on the invite to Snowy's bday party this weekend (yes, the kids give themselves their own English names here.) My fave names? Snowy, Icy, Rico & Elvis. One kid also has a nickname - II, which stands for Illegal Immigrant. how cute.

getting real hot now, friends....may need to invest in a cold beverage.
but keep following our live blogcast all afternoon....we'll have magicians and balloon animals and a few more interruptions likely.
you're blogging with the best, who needs the rest, keep it locked to Freedom 32!

Samsonite & Sunburns

it's grey & gloomy today, campers, which means i need to pull something out from the archives.
let's take it all the way back to Friday for my 2nd casting in as many days.
going in, all i was told was that it was for a bag company. given the euro stylings of the previous day, i was expecting to likely rock a few manpurses and be on my way.

classic model behaviour - i was running late, both literally and 'go-figure-it-lively'.
a sweaty mess, i finally make it to the office (of sorts), where there are more props than people. just me and a guy named 'Fen', a couple of Samsonite bags and 2 chairs.
as always, the first few snaps are solo shots - front, side, side, back, and the emerging back+head-turn-over-shoulder pose. so natural.
next up, grab a bag.
fortunately, it's the kind of luggage that i'd actually use on a trip, nothing furry or bedazzled. Fen takes a series of shots again - hold handle & pose, grab extend pull handle + fake walk, sit dejected on case while stuck in an airport...the usual.
the final task was to then cross my legs in a tall chair....
how this helps Samsonite sell luggage, i don't know....

"You've had a long flight. Relax, take a load off.
Let your Samsonite bag find you for a change."




oh yes, the sunburn part of the post. Saturday, Aline and I jumped on the ol' #6 bus, and, 20 minutes later, were basking in the sunshine and sea air of Repulse Bay beach. you wouldn't think it necessarily, but Hong Kong has a decent amount of sandy escapes, and, given our M.O. of "life's a beach", we'll likely get to know these areas very well. it was 27 & sunny and the only thing we were missing was the ever-important sunscreen. not to worry, a quick stop at 7-11 and we scooped up some SPF 50 spray. now, not to come across as a total beach snob, but i'm more of a cream guy. no real reason, just stick with what you know, i guess. anyway, i start spraying, and aside from eating some mist and the near eye-peppering, i looked to be in good shape to take on some rays.
ahh....

Rich is relaxin'.....maybe even chillaxin'.

(actually no, i wouldn't be caught dead using that word).
relaxing none the less, fast forward a few hours and i'm feeling a little...uncomfortable let's say. yes, this is a reflection of the Chinese mainland tourists buzzing around us from the hundreds of tour buses stopped here, sun-brellas included; on top of this, the discomfort is also due to my skin getting a little pink. and when i say pink, i mean lobstered. the best part, the spray has created splotches where i miss-fired, giving the appearance of rash clusters in about 5 different zones.

"LOL...oh that's too funny, Rich. But wait, tell me, how's the face!?"
not to worry, fans, the grill is still golden, the profile is still in style.
i'm going to have to be careful though, it could have ruined me for any one of the number of modeling opportunities that are coming my way.....and, well, ok, let's just say i'm fine for teaching on Wednesday.
---

Do you have any embarrassing beach experiences?
Lose your top in a wave or had your trunks stolen?
Write to us and let us know.
We may use your story on a future instalment of Freedom 32's Beachy Blog.